I don't have friends

It might sound really weird, especially if you know me, but I really do not have friends.
I have boys
I have my girls
I have my bestie
I have my ride or die
and I have my situation.
I have come to a point in my life where calling someone a "friend" just doesn't cut it. It doesn't seem to explain the complex relationship I have with EVERYONE. Yes everyone. There is not one person that I am truly close with that I have a simple friendship with.
I miss that I need that

When I was younger I made a "best friend" everywhere I went, with the full knowledge that I may never see that little boy or girl again. But it didn't matter. For those 2-3 hours we were in the same room, I had a new best friend.
Now I have people I have known for years and yet they are looking a little unfamiliar to me.
Some are my "friends" because we have mutual friends
Some are my "friends" because we've gone through so much crap together
And others are my "friends" because we'd rather have that then not have each other at all

Is it wrong I just want a simple friendship back?

I don't have friends.....I have explanations

I have come to realize that everyone's definition of what is a "friend" is different, and I've yet to meet someone who's definition fits mine.

It's not that I'm not that forgiving, its just I'm not that accepting. I would say I'm working on it, but that would be a lie.

Thoughts

He said he was thinking of me and wanted to see how I was doing....



Who would have thought those words would have been enough to prove that a broken heart still beats.

My Prince

So we all have that one childhood show that we cherish. I grew up watching Sailor Moon. (go ahead judge me)
That show offered me peace, laughter, and most of all hope. I hoped to one day meet my very own "Darien" (for those of you who do not know who that is...google it lol).

After my last relationship, I found myself going back to what I want in a man. (not to say my ex didnt have it, but more I was not in the position to convince him). I was brought back to Darien. He was kind and patient and sweet. Exactly what I would want when I and in my bitchy moods demanding things left and right. I saw a glimpse of my Darien in him, but I guess it was too soon to tell.

I loved this show, gives me something to look forward to

Short and Simple

"I think I'd miss you even if we'd never met"- The Wedding Date

When Music Speaks

This is possibly THE WORST album to listen to while nursing a broken heart. And that is why I love it.

It's Been a While

It's been awhile....

Yea that's all I could come up with.
I haven't seen your or heard from you in weeks and quite frankly I am proud of myself.
There was a time where your name was the first thing on my lips in the morning and the last thought in my mind before I went to sleep. Yea that time was yesterday.
I cannot seem to bring myself to forget you, it might have something to do with the fact that not so deep down I don't want to.
I often tell myself I'd rather not love at all than have to love from afar. To have to act like I do not care, act like I wouldn't lay my pride down in a second, for you, for us.
But I cannot afford to sacrifice myself anymore than I already have. If my worth is so great, I at the very least need to keep my currency up.
I need to wake up in the morning and get all the way dressed. Not some half assed excuse for an outfit but a full outfit with make-up dammit!
I need to force myself to bypass all those feelings of worry, and concern for you.

Why is the space I am giving you suffocating me?-----
I don't really expect an answer
I've reached the point where words are not enough.

Its been awhile
Lets see how long its really going to take

Things She Should Have Said

Things that were thought but never said:

I hate you please don't leave

But I did everything for your sorry ass I would do it again in a heartbeat

You aint sh.t  you are everything to me

You will never find another like me I'm afraid you will find someone else

You were never worth my time I lost count of the minutes and seconds I spent daydreaming about your kiss your smile your....

After this moment I will never think of you again Everything reminds me of you

I'm fine, it wasn't meant to be But I prayed and wished on every night star for our future

I wish them the best As long as they are single I will be ok

I guess I never loved you anyway I'm still waiting to stop

You are the best thing I never had (circa Beyonce) If given the chance I would be back again

Strong vs Strength

A strong woman works out every day
to keep her body in shape
but a woman of strength looks deep inside
to keep her soul in shape

A strong woman isn't afraid
of anything
but a woman of strength shows courage
in the midst of her fear

A strong woman won't let anyone
get the best of her
but a woman of strength gives the best
of her to everyone

A strong woman makes mistakes
and avoids the same in the future
but a woman of strength realizes life's mistakes
can also be blessings and capitalizes on them

A strong woman walks
sure footedly
but a woman of strength knows
when to ask for help

A strong woman wears the look
of confidence on her face
but a woman of strength
wears grace

A strong woman has faith
that she is strong enough for the journey
but a woman of strength has faith
that it is in the journey that she will become strong

We Need a Deliverance

No matter what point this movie is at when I flip the channel, I will watch it all the way through. Hope this lets you in on a little secreat about me

Spawn of Frankenstein

She looks in the mirror and thinks to herself...

I always wondered why God would give one human being the power to render another completely useless. And I'm not talking about the "I'm in love, (or better yet like or lust) with you so I tweak my schedule just to see you for like 2 seconds". Although those are fun. I'm talking about the "can't get out of bed, ben and jerry becomes your best friend (or in the case of my friends jack and coke)".

You ever stop and wonder what happens to that person you hurt, whether intentionally or not. Most bounce right back and are able to forgive and forget. Now forgiving and forgetting is a task in and of itself, but that's a topic for another time. Others become functioning parapalegics. Meaning their head and their heart no longer see eye to eye. And then in comes the coping mechanisms. Men (again going off of my experiences) retreat into a bottle (hence the jack and coke reference) and drown their sorrows by going out with the guys. Be it to play basketball or video games, the point is to engage in mindless activity to numb the pain.

Now my lovely female counterparts, now we engage in complete masochistic behavior. We reread text messages, letters, flip through facebook albums at least 3 times a day and we have pow wows, COUNTLESS pow-wows with our girls trying to pinpoint the moment everything went wrong. And when that is all done, we act the f.ck out.

We put on our tightest, most revealing (and hopefully flattering) outfit take a couple of shots and create a new choreography to "Dance my pain away" before we hit the club. We dance with every guy that passes our 3 point inspection (again a topic for another time) and go home with vague memories of the night with the full intention of repeating until we achieve that long sought after numb feeling.

But what happens when that feeling doesn't come? Well, we (men and women) become "heartless" and vow that all women are hoes, or all men are dogs and what's the point? We willingly become shells of our former selves, monsters in a way all because God saw fit to allow one human to effect another in such a way. So we go out and do the same to another, and the cycle never ends.

She finishes getting dressed and raises her glass to her reflection

I hope you are proud of the monster you have created, my first kill goes out to you.